Well, summer is almost over and in a few short weeks, school will begin again for my girls and that will leave me alone with the four pets inside and the gathering of wild and not so wild animals outside that will be my world for me. This is an awful weird way to begin a blog but…so be it. This is also a point where I need to put some cards on the table and talk about what my life has been like for the last almost two years.
But a quick back story.
In 2005, I had knee surgery to treat torn cartilage that I had suffered at work in either 1997 or 1998. I don’t recall which, all I know is when 200 pounds of sheet steel bends your knee in a grotesque direction it isn’t meant to be bent in, things happen. And, over the years, things get worse. My own fault: I should have sought treatment the minute it happened rather than strap on an ice pack and go back to work. By 2005, I could hardly stand on it, so it was time to go under the knife, followed by eight weeks of intensive therapy to get me back to work in time for the Black Friday rush.
So I got through surgery, rehab, and the Christmas Rush and here it is January and I’m getting ready for the Lawn and Garden Season. And that was when I noticed feelings of panic and depression like I had never felt before. I mean, depression to the point of considering ways that I might take the pain away. Yes, that included surveying the pill bottles in the house and wondering what combination would best take away all of this stress and pain. I knew I had a problem and so did my family. So my family physician recommended a psychiatrist and pretty soon I was medicated. The long and short of the psychiatrist was I waited two and a half hours to see him, spent eight minutes with in, was told he didn’t know my problem and was told to come back in a month. Oh, and here’s some free meds…”see what works for you”.
I was unimpressed, more freaked than usual and looking for any kind of solution. That was how, by a sheer accident, I ended up with my therapist, who has been caring for me since then to today. He is the only person who could have gotten me into an airplane in a post 9/11 world. He is the only person who could help be control my anxiety. He is the only person who convinced me to get out of management before I ended up in a psychiatric ward. In 2006, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder Type 2, with severe depression and we used a combination of meditation and homeopathic medicines to try and control it. But even those methods couldn’t prepare me for a new baby and a new job and once again, in 2008, I found myself in the well at the bottom of the world. A change of job, a pay decrease, and I moved on with my life.
My boss was kind enough to let me step down, although she still relied on me for many things and I was still considered to be privy to offer her advice on many things. In 2012, the homeopathic medicines stopped working and my mood became beyond dark. Suicide was a common thought that crossed my mind, violent verbal outbursts among my family and friends, and a total lack of belief in myself, my abilities or anything I could do. I loss my desire to write and began to drink regularly (red wine was my preferred drink. Although it was recommended for health reasons, I often found it had become an excuse to drink a lot more than I should). I talked to my family doctor and was told it was time to see a psychiatrist again. And, the name at the top of the list was the same clown I dealt with in 2006.
Luckily an emergency call to my therapist led to an emergency call to the person who eventually became my psychiatrist. With the proper medication in my system, things were looking up after such a long battle with depression and anxiety.
Then the walls came crashing down. Within a period of just about a year, my family suffered a devastating illness that is still being dealt with today and the deaths of two members of my family. Add into that mix my oldest child was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder that resulted in her missing a ton of school. Then she found herself being threatened with arrest for her school absences (despite the fact that the school was quite aware of her issues) and then, to top it off, having the police called to ARREST her for her absences. This was more than she or my family could bear. We pulled her out of school and made arrangements to have her take a home schooling course.
I survived in my mental place until January when it all came crashing down pretty badly in the course of a week. My anxiety level was so high I couldn’t function at work, didn’t care to go to work and actually found it nearly impossible to leave my house. I found my depression deepening and my cyclings more rapid, including what I later realized were issues with agoraphobia. A family meeting was held and, with myself in tears, it was decided I needed to take time away from my job of 36 years. My family came to my aid to make certain that, although I would have no income, things would run just as before. That means the people who love me more than I can imagine stepped up and made things happen so I could take care of getting myself better and still making sure we had a roof over our head.
If there was a silver lining in this dark cloud it was that I was able to help my daughter complete her home schooling and do it in six months time. Yes, we worked our tail off. I suddenly found myself trying to relearn 8th Grade Algebra and having to read literary classics so I could teach. In my youth, I had always wanted to be one of two things: a writer or a teacher. My wonderful wife had always said I would have been a good teacher. She is an excellent one and I guess she was right about me. Seven major subjects in six months. And we always had a plan: give me four days of work and we went shopping on the fifth day.
And we HAD to go shopping together. Part of my issues that developed, and had only gotten worse in the first few weeks after my leaving work, were increasing feelings of extreme agoraphobia. I began to feel trapped in my own head. To quote Gary Numan: “Here in my car, I feel safest of all.” Put me behind the wheel and let me drive to my dad’s, or my doctors and I was fine. Let me go to band practice and, although I feel a little tenuous every time I enter and fire up my gear, I can handle it. Ask me to go shopping at the local Stop & Shop or Target or, Heaven Forbid, A MALL, and I am a basket case. There used to be a time I enjoyed window-shopping and spending as much time picking out a CD or DVD as some people do picking out a pair of shoes. No longer, I’m afraid. And when I do go, it is either the quickest trip in the world or someone needs to be with me.
Thus shopping as a tag team was not only a good way for her and I to bond but was essential for me to get out of my house. So, on a typical Friday, we would head to one of the local malls, have lunch, and then hit the clothing stores and Newbury Comics for a comic book/DVD/CD/Pop figure fix. We would stop for a tea break in the middle of it all and then hit the Goodwill Store on the way home for some bargains and, if we were real lucky, some good condition classic vinyl records.
The good news is she passed and will enter high school in a few weeks. Currently she is knee deep in volleyball camp, as that is the next sport she wants to dive into. I know people that have called her a pure athlete since she was able to pick up a bat or kick a ball. Now she needs to use those talents, if she chooses. Of course, I always said I was happy having my children stretching their imagination and using their mind as opposed to building their bodies and doing the competitive sports thing. Like my little one. While she wants to play sports like her big sister, she has allowed her mind to create in the most amazing ways possible.
Also, by having this time on my hands, I have been able to attend all of her softball tournaments and take a boatload of pictures. Taking pictures is great therapy for me as I put myself into the event and the job and forget about how scared I am to be in a strange place. I used to utilize the same technique back when I was doing wedding videos. You find yourself in a room with total strangers and have to put yourself on the stage without being obtrusive. You have to make new friends, especially with the working folks, and just forget you are an outsider looking in. That was always a mental chore but I got through it. And, if it wasn’t a wedding, it was working with some high profile clients like Tavares, Chuck Negron, UCONN, Johnson and Wales and the Battleship Massachusetts Memorial Committee.
But now I take pleasure in taking pictures, being with those closest to me, writing this blog and trying to finish up those many Great American Novels (there are two completed, a collection of short stories and two in progress. Actually, one is in progress and the other is trying to be repaired as the transfer from one data base to another other the years has left a gaping hole I need to plug and fix). Somewhere in the middle of that, there is time to do housework, yardwork and write material with the band Briar Rose. And, when my family is with me and give me the strength, it’s shopping, concerts and other fun stuff. My kids and I spent two days at the first Rhode Island TerrorCon Convention. My oldest and I spent two days shooting pictures for it and got to meet and hang out with some of the coolest people. Where else could I have had the chance to chat with Nicholas Brendan, Fred Williamson, Lita Ford, Kane Hodder, Cherie Currie, Linda Blair, Lisa Loring, William Forsythe, Ironie Singleton and so many other cool celebrities? And did I mention the 10 minute conversation by youngest had with Kane Hodder about playing on her XBOX 360? Yeah-that TOTALLY HAPPENED!
And I hope, with every thought in my head, we get to do the job again in November for the Rhode Island Comic Con. The list of stars is lengthy, and I can’t wait to get into Celebrity Alley, suck back my anxiety, and do my job.
Now, you might be saying that it seems that I HAVE NO PROBLEMS. It seems like I get out quite a lot and have no issues. Well, you may feel that way but just remember: you are not living in my head and fighting the battle every day. If I was 100%, I would be at work, bringing home a paycheck and writing a blog NIGHTLY. But the fact is some days I can’t get out of bed and some days I can’t put thoughts together. I have literally found myself trying to describe something to my wife and my brain just shuts off. I find it extremely scary and wonder when or if I will completely lose my ability to communicate.
Yes, this is the world I daily live in.
So, as August becomes September, I worry about my future and hope that I con continue to do what I do here in this blog. I hope to get some painting done both inside my home, as there are some renovations that can be done. And I also hope to get some painting done as part of my hobby. I’m a long ways away from being able to pick up a brush and practice my art. I need to do it, get back on that horse and spending that time with my dad will be a good piece of therapy for me. Reading, writing, watching the DVD collection while I work on stuff: all things that need to keep my mind active. I look to the future with trepidation and joy as I know my life can only get better…as long as I put my mind in proper mode. I’ll get to prepare meals for my family and get creative in the kitchen like I haven’t in so long. And I’ll get to experience total joy when my family comes home and we are all as one.
The future is before me and I hope to be entertaining you in these posts throughout.
As I always say: thanks for reading, following and sharing. If you do that for me, I can only know that I will get better over time.
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