Back in 2008, my youngest child, affectionately known as ‘The Bug’, came into my life. It was an emotional experience that led me to look at my stature in my work. I had recently been promoted and was finding myself under many work hours and a lot of pressure. I would come home, barely eat, snap at the family and fall asleep in a chair, on the couch or sometimes on the floor. The next day I would get up and repeat the process. It didn’t take me long to figure out that, after over two decades as a manager, this was not the place in my life where I either wanted or needed to be. My panic attacks were getting worse, with me waking some three hours before I needed to and battling to get my mind to stop racing long enough for me to catch some much needed sleep.
Thoughts of suicide were becoming pretty common and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would try to find the courage to line up all the pill bottles in the house and make the big leap into the waiting place after life. That in itself was proof of how much I was hurting. The most common recurring dream I had as a child was falling down the stairs in the house where I grew up and telling myself that I needed to wake before I hit bottom or I would die in the dream. Since I first had that dream, when I was 10 or 11 years old, I have been petrified of death and what does or doesn’t lie beyond this mortal plane. Is life a big light switch and when the switch goes off it all ends? Is there an afterlife and what is it like? Do I get to be resurrected as someone else a thousand years from now with no memory of this life? Have I been here before and THIS is the life that I get to remember?
Despite all those fears, the pain I was feeling was immense. Family could not help me because they did not understand. Friends thought I was crazy and needed to up my medication. My boss and co-workers didn’t know what it felt like. They just knew I was not myself anymore. Every day, I would pray for something, ANYTHING, to take me off the playing field, even for a little while.
It all came down to making the decision to step down from my position, although I had only been there for a scant six weeks. It took my baby to make me realize how much I wanted to be there to watch her and her sister mature and grow to beautiful young women. In addition, I knew that I would never survive long enough to see that happen unless I did something about it now. So I did, much to the disappointment of my boss and many of my co-workers. And I don’t care what they think . . . although I know some of them will read this and talk amongst themselves. I did what I did because I wanted to live where I knew that STAYING where I was would kill me or I would kill me. Pretty strong stuff, but it’s true.
And every day of my life, even some three years AFTER the fact, I wake up and feel the panic gripping me. I will deal with this for the rest of my days. And some days I find it hard NOT to go looking for the pill bottles. But I force myself to get through it. Every day, I tell my family and friends to leave me alone for an hour or so . . .just so I can get my mind into my work or my writing or just cooking breakfast for the kids. I need that down time early on to put my head into the proper place. And Wednesdays are still THE WORST. But I force myself to get through that too.
Every day we hear about the economy and the loss of jobs and I watch my 401K go down the tubes like everyone else. I worry about it-I’d have to be crazy NOT TO. But I force myself to live in the now instead of the future. Financially, that’s not the best place to be but it is mentally. Even in the depressed market, I find myself enjoying the sweeter things in life. In August of 2009, the Munchkin and I went to see Coldplay on their U.S. tour. Tickets weren’t cheap, but we were there and, if I had to do it again, I would find a way to make it happen. The year before that, The Munchkin went to her first BIG concert by seeing the Jonas Brothers and I was there with her: including a second time in 2010. This is one of those beautiful things that I can share with my oldest: being able to do the concert thing and find a common ground between HER music and MINE and realizing how they intersect quite nicely. How many pre teens do you know who go into the local Hot Topic with their half century mark of an old man and want to buy an Iron Maiden shirt? God: I am truly blessed.
She gets a little bummed that we CAN’T see all the concerts we’d like to. But I we do hit a bunch of shows every year at a place called The Narrows (great venue for a concert). In the past few years, we have seen Johnny Winter, Hot Tuna, Forever Young(twice) Susan Cowsill(twice), Fairport Convention and have our seats ready to go for drumming legend Carl Palmer. We also got to see Heaven and Hell on Ronnie James Dio's next to last gig before his untimely death. And Sara Barellies just last week, but mostly for my friends Raining jane, who greeted us warmly and made us feel like the band was with us!
The Munchkin and I, when we can pry the big tv away from her little sister, watch a lot of movies and TV together. While we still can take pleasure in old standbys(thanks to a fairly intense DVD collection) like HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, BIG BANG THEORY, LOST, SMALLVILLE and SUPERNATURAL, she has matured enough to run through such intense films as SEVEN, ROMEO + JULIET, FIGHT CLUB and DAWN OF THE DEAD(the remake). She's pre-teen but you have to see where her mindset is. She LOVES zombie movies, especially if she gets to watch the bonus features on the effects. It takes the edge off and I see the wheels turn as she thinks about how cool it could be to do some of that stuff. This is a very special kid, who counts MOULIN ROUGE as her favorite movie of all time and puts BLACKHAWK DOWN in her top 5 list. She appreciates quality work and cheese at the same time.
Life is good.
Let me do a momentary about face and speak about music and my good friends Becky and Brian for a minute. I first saw the Becky Chace Band perform in 2001 and I refer to it as the night that The Munchkin learned how to clap after a performer finished their song. I watched Becky do a leaping split off the drum riser during a rendition of Light Of Day and swore I saw possibly the best unsigned band in North America. I still feel they are in that group of struggling musicians today. I was privileged to see them again in 2002 and in 2003, opening for the legendary Mark Farner. That was the night I finally got to meet the band and Becky Chace and Brian Minisce have been two of my closest friends ever since.
How close? My wedding present to Brian was producing his wedding video. Not making a discounted video… my present was to shoot his wedding and do full production. That was MY present to him for providing me with so much joy over the years. And I was happy to do it. In fact, that was the LAST wedding I shot (get screwed my another client and see how quickly you lose your taste for the business!) and one of the most important for me to produce. Being told it looked like THE GODFATHER by the groom still ranks as a highpoint in my life.
In early 2004, I got to see them in a small club setting, we talked some more and I pre-ordered their CD RESCUE. As it turned out, I next saw them on May 1, 2004 and started a long associated of photographing the gigs for me and for them. Three days later, I attended the funeral of the father of my old friend Randy and, deeply depressed, came home to find the RESCUE CD in my mailbox. Three weeks of listening to NOTHING but that record and I saw lots of things in a whole new way. More about that experience and where I am today in a minute.
Between 2004 and today, I would guess I have seen the band in it’s various incarnations about 200 times. And I still get religion every time. Seeing Trina Hamlin makes me feel that way. And Beth Wood too. No matter how rotten a day, I know I can spend an hour or two with the band and it all goes away. And it helps when some of my closest friends, people I have met from doing the shows, are there with me.
Life is good.
Let me do a momentary about face and speak about music and my good friends Becky and Brian for a minute. I first saw the Becky Chace Band perform in 2001 and I refer to it as the night that The Munchkin learned how to clap after a performer finished their song. I watched Becky do a leaping split off the drum riser during a rendition of Light Of Day and swore I saw possibly the best unsigned band in North America. I still feel they are in that group of struggling musicians today. I was privileged to see them again in 2002 and in 2003, opening for the legendary Mark Farner. That was the night I finally got to meet the band and Becky Chace and Brian Minisce have been two of my closest friends ever since.
How close? My wedding present to Brian was producing his wedding video. Not making a discounted video… my present was to shoot his wedding and do full production. That was MY present to him for providing me with so much joy over the years. And I was happy to do it. In fact, that was the LAST wedding I shot (get screwed my another client and see how quickly you lose your taste for the business!) and one of the most important for me to produce. Being told it looked like THE GODFATHER by the groom still ranks as a highpoint in my life.
In early 2004, I got to see them in a small club setting, we talked some more and I pre-ordered their CD RESCUE. As it turned out, I next saw them on May 1, 2004 and started a long associated of photographing the gigs for me and for them. Three days later, I attended the funeral of the father of my old friend Randy and, deeply depressed, came home to find the RESCUE CD in my mailbox. Three weeks of listening to NOTHING but that record and I saw lots of things in a whole new way. More about that experience and where I am today in a minute.
Between 2004 and today, I would guess I have seen the band in it’s various incarnations about 200 times. And I still get religion every time. Seeing Trina Hamlin makes me feel that way. And Beth Wood too. No matter how rotten a day, I know I can spend an hour or two with the band and it all goes away. And it helps when some of my closest friends, people I have met from doing the shows, are there with me.
Okay, back to 2004. Actually, back before that.
In the mid 1980’s, the band Mephisto Waltz was formed. Out of the ashes of Mephisto Waltz came The Hellfire Club, which morphed into Brideshead and finally became the legendary Briar Rose. The common denominator among all the bands was and is the musical genius that is Randy Blake II. I met Randy just before Waltz came to an end and offered my assistance from a musical standpoint. Little did I know that would become a nearly three year musical and personal partnership filled with all the stuff bands go through and more. We recorded, correct me Randy if I’m wrong, fifteen songs as The Hellfire Club and then the album BEGGARS AND BUSINESSMEN as Brideshead before I had to make a decision which was to either pursue music in all of my free time or try and find myself and my future. I chose the latter and I sometimes find myself kicking myself for it. On the plus side-my wife and my family. On the downside-I spent almost two decades away from a friend I laughed and cried with…and sometimes laughed until I cried with.
Well, Briar Rose, a band that saw much more international success than Brideshead ever did, came back from the grave in 2009 with a new CD recorded in England under the guidance of The Dark Lord himself, Chris Tsangarides. And Randy and I spent many long months working on the CD design phase of the production. It sure felt damn good to be back in the saddle with my old mate again and made us both realize how much we missed each other. Following the completion of that project, I found myself hanging out at band rehearsals, taking pictures and adding my two cents worth regarding how it all sounded. In late November, the group decided to record a one off cover as a holiday track and I was asked to play keyboards on it. Honored, I took to breaking out the old Korg DS-8 workhorse that was my favorite board of choice back in the Brideshead days. On the night we decided to work the song out and record it, I discovered that the old beast had up and died. Apparently, there is a small watch battery inside designed to keep the internal memory active. That had up and crapped out after some 20+ years of life.
Long story short, that situation is still being investigated as a new battery and patch loads led to a slightly resurrected beast. But an unfortunate drop accident on my part led to one of the battery contacts being sheared off the circuit board and, despite drummer Jay Vanderpool’s best efforts, the poor beast lies in a dormant state waiting for someone to hopefully bring it back to life.
The reason for the need to revive her is that the band officially brought be into the fold just before Christmas and I found myself as a writing, recording and performing member of Briar Rose. A high honor to say the least. When Briar Rose was formed in 1988, it was designed to be a metal band with nods to keyboard infused hard rock bands such as Uriah Heep and Deep Purple. I had opted out of that lifestyle and the keyboard idea went with it. As Randy likes to say: “You were supposed to be in this group from the beginning.”
At the age of 51, I never thought I would get the chance to play in front of an audience again. Those days were behind me and I quickly realized how tough it would be as I tried to learn 3 CDs worth of material. Back in the day, I would go to work, come home and have all the time in the world each night to practice. With a job, house, two kids and all manner of things ranging from Internet games to dvds to distract me, not to mention being 51 and being pretty pooped by the end of the day, my time is stretched to the max. My hands are not as quick as they used to be and my memory is not what it once was. However, I slogged on through knowing there were gigs on the way and I needed to be ready for them. I also knew that I need to shell out some cash for some gear, as Randy’s old DS-21 couldn't handle the full weight of what I wanted to do as a player.
In the mid 1980’s, the band Mephisto Waltz was formed. Out of the ashes of Mephisto Waltz came The Hellfire Club, which morphed into Brideshead and finally became the legendary Briar Rose. The common denominator among all the bands was and is the musical genius that is Randy Blake II. I met Randy just before Waltz came to an end and offered my assistance from a musical standpoint. Little did I know that would become a nearly three year musical and personal partnership filled with all the stuff bands go through and more. We recorded, correct me Randy if I’m wrong, fifteen songs as The Hellfire Club and then the album BEGGARS AND BUSINESSMEN as Brideshead before I had to make a decision which was to either pursue music in all of my free time or try and find myself and my future. I chose the latter and I sometimes find myself kicking myself for it. On the plus side-my wife and my family. On the downside-I spent almost two decades away from a friend I laughed and cried with…and sometimes laughed until I cried with.
Well, Briar Rose, a band that saw much more international success than Brideshead ever did, came back from the grave in 2009 with a new CD recorded in England under the guidance of The Dark Lord himself, Chris Tsangarides. And Randy and I spent many long months working on the CD design phase of the production. It sure felt damn good to be back in the saddle with my old mate again and made us both realize how much we missed each other. Following the completion of that project, I found myself hanging out at band rehearsals, taking pictures and adding my two cents worth regarding how it all sounded. In late November, the group decided to record a one off cover as a holiday track and I was asked to play keyboards on it. Honored, I took to breaking out the old Korg DS-8 workhorse that was my favorite board of choice back in the Brideshead days. On the night we decided to work the song out and record it, I discovered that the old beast had up and died. Apparently, there is a small watch battery inside designed to keep the internal memory active. That had up and crapped out after some 20+ years of life.
Long story short, that situation is still being investigated as a new battery and patch loads led to a slightly resurrected beast. But an unfortunate drop accident on my part led to one of the battery contacts being sheared off the circuit board and, despite drummer Jay Vanderpool’s best efforts, the poor beast lies in a dormant state waiting for someone to hopefully bring it back to life.
The reason for the need to revive her is that the band officially brought be into the fold just before Christmas and I found myself as a writing, recording and performing member of Briar Rose. A high honor to say the least. When Briar Rose was formed in 1988, it was designed to be a metal band with nods to keyboard infused hard rock bands such as Uriah Heep and Deep Purple. I had opted out of that lifestyle and the keyboard idea went with it. As Randy likes to say: “You were supposed to be in this group from the beginning.”
At the age of 51, I never thought I would get the chance to play in front of an audience again. Those days were behind me and I quickly realized how tough it would be as I tried to learn 3 CDs worth of material. Back in the day, I would go to work, come home and have all the time in the world each night to practice. With a job, house, two kids and all manner of things ranging from Internet games to dvds to distract me, not to mention being 51 and being pretty pooped by the end of the day, my time is stretched to the max. My hands are not as quick as they used to be and my memory is not what it once was. However, I slogged on through knowing there were gigs on the way and I needed to be ready for them. I also knew that I need to shell out some cash for some gear, as Randy’s old DS-21 couldn't handle the full weight of what I wanted to do as a player.
So, with the help of a loan from my dad, still helping me out after all these years, I bought a nice big Yamaha and a nice 300-watt amp and a nice big keyboard stand. And off we went, playing gigs and writing material. As I write this, most of the material for the next disc is ready to roll and it's time to go into the studio-an interesting place for me as I haven't been in that position in 23 years. It harkens back to the old days when Randy and I would jam and write together. 23 years gone since our last collaborations and it feels right again. Actually, it feels better than before, as it is truly a GROUP effort. Jay, Randy, guitarist Vinaya Saksena, bassist Chris Landoch and I are not always on the same page and we each recognize our collective shortcomings. But there is no animosity here-no underlying jealousy. We all go in a direction that feels right for us and the music. It is a total TEAM EFFORT here.
And that feels right too. But we’re a metal; band, remember? We can’t do that! Yeah, we f**king can! We are a group of musicians who like our metal and play our metal. Nevertheless, we are all musicians and find that our best ideas sometimes come from stretching out and just coming out of the box. We may never record some of these sessions although we should. They take our creative minds to a new place and exponentially increase our musical relationships. There is trust in our abilities and that allows us to push ourselves beyond four chords and a scream. Not that the band was EVER about four chords and a scream. It was, before I was there and probably long after I’m gone, always about making the best music and realizing the vision.
Lastly, my writing. I should have spent the last two hours working on one of the books9there are two completed ones, a third being tweaked and a fourth in progress-all stories for a later time), but I chose to do this instead. I have found myself with new inspiration as of late as I have been going to my roots and reading classic pulp novels and noir crime pieces. They have nothing to do with my actual writing but more with the inspiration they provide. Hard Case Crime has published over 60 noir styled fiction novels from a host of writers including Erle Stanley Gardner, Max Allen Collins, Stephen King, Robert B. Parker, Robert Bloch, E. Howard Hunt, Mickey Spillane, Roger Zelazny and Lester Dent . . . more on him in a minute. They are relatively quick reads and feel like the books the Frank Miller tried to draw inspiration from when writing SIN CITY. With a new novel each month, I’m finding it hard to keep up AND get my missing titles. But I’m working at it. And in doing so, I’m enjoying a style of writing so lost to me until now. It has allowed me to expand on some of my work and use some novel storytelling ideas along the way.
I got to grow up reading my dad’s meager collection of aviation pulps he had when he was a kid. That led to the legendary G-8 and his battle Aces, which were reprinted in 1970(and most recently, a short series by Adventure House), The Shadow and, of course, Bantam Books reprinting of Doc Savage. Unfortunately, my huge collection of those Bantam Books are long gone, as are the G-8’s. But, Nostalgia Ventures began reprinting these classic Lester Dent tales(see…knew we’d get back to him) in the fall of 2006 and I have been devouring them as of late. Again-for inspiration and sheer delight. Every night I digest two or three chapters before bed and then dream of where they will take me.
It’s a good thing.
To that end, I hope to have the first book, the one that is impetus for all the others that follow, completely retooled by December. I had originally hoped to be done by Christmas 2010, but that was not meant to be as other writings took over. Once that book is completed, it’s back to work on #2 which is the most complicated of the bunch. #3 is about half complete and needs to be finished. It is a direct sequel to #1. And the fourth book? Well, it ties into all three that came before but also stands alone.
Confused? Me too! But hopefully, like my life, it will all come out good in the end.
I got to grow up reading my dad’s meager collection of aviation pulps he had when he was a kid. That led to the legendary G-8 and his battle Aces, which were reprinted in 1970(and most recently, a short series by Adventure House), The Shadow and, of course, Bantam Books reprinting of Doc Savage. Unfortunately, my huge collection of those Bantam Books are long gone, as are the G-8’s. But, Nostalgia Ventures began reprinting these classic Lester Dent tales(see…knew we’d get back to him) in the fall of 2006 and I have been devouring them as of late. Again-for inspiration and sheer delight. Every night I digest two or three chapters before bed and then dream of where they will take me.
It’s a good thing.
To that end, I hope to have the first book, the one that is impetus for all the others that follow, completely retooled by December. I had originally hoped to be done by Christmas 2010, but that was not meant to be as other writings took over. Once that book is completed, it’s back to work on #2 which is the most complicated of the bunch. #3 is about half complete and needs to be finished. It is a direct sequel to #1. And the fourth book? Well, it ties into all three that came before but also stands alone.
Confused? Me too! But hopefully, like my life, it will all come out good in the end.
And, since this blog is supposed to be about comics, I have been digging into the "NEW 52" from DC. Hope to let you know what I think of the first batch shortly. All I can say for know is some of it is really cool, some of it different and one or two are just plain awful. but that's my opinion and look forward to controversy.
Until then, thanks for reading.
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